“Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.” -1 Samuel 17
I read that verse this morning and it really struck me. Since having Kina our lives have been turned upside down. Up until just recently I felt like I was just surviving. I dreaded when people asked me how I was doing. Because honestly I felt like I was in a anxiety filled haze. I had feelings like I really didn’t want to be a mom. Maybe this wasn’t cut out for me. Those feelings turned into guilt, like I must be a bad mom because I didn’t have rosey lovey dovey feelings for my daughter and I really didn’t want to cuddle her all day. I loved her, I just didn’t really like her. Then I started feeling guilty because I had a healthy baby and there are so many others who don’t. Yet I was still complaining. You can see why I didn’t want to share how I was feeling. After all, isn’t motherhood supposed to be sooo worth it? It sure didn’t feel like it, with a very unhappy child almost every waking minute of the day. I kept wondering where God was because it really didn’t feel like I could handle it. I let satan win, I let my feelings control me, instead of me controlling my feelings.
As you know I am very open and honest on this blog. I know that so many people have much worse situations than me, so I am not sharing this because I think I have it bad, but rather to reach out to the others who may be feeling down. To encourage them. Because these last 2 months have been the hardest 2 months of my life. Whatever situation you may be going through may not compare to other’s situations. We are all given different lots in life and that is our reality. Comparing our reality to someone else’s reality will only cause satan to triumph. God really is on your side. The God who took down Goliath can take down the giants in your life. I don’t know when your struggle will end, but I know it will. Take heart that you are not in this battle alone. I wish I had faced satan with the bravery David had to face Goliath. It wouldn’t have made the situation magically go away, but I know it would have put a peace in my heart. It would have given me confidence to face the struggle, instead of fear and anxiety each day.
This morning as I fed Kina she held my hand and stared up at me with big eyes. It completely melted my heart. It was like she was saying I love you mom, thank you for everything, I trust you. In that moment I knew everything up until now has been so worth it. I know God has been there for me all along, I just refused to acknowledge him in the right way. I was too paralyzed by my own fear to realize I can fight this battle in the name of the Lord. No matter what our reality it, if God is on our side we will win. Looking back on all my trials in this life I have started to see God’s hand in them. I wonder why I have to go through them. But once they are done, I realize that they made me stronger. I may have scars from some and aches that may never go away, but I am thankful for them. I wouldn’t go through them again, but I wouldn’t take them back. So take heart my dear friend, whatever you are facing God cares and he loves you. He will help you win the battle.