Lately I have been trying to sort through some feelings. Feelings of anxiety, worry, confusion. Many why’s and what ifs bounce around my head. And I wonder, why, why can’t I just let it go? Life is such a rollercoaster of ups and downs. And as much as I know it would not be good for us to only have ups, it’s hard to stay positive and keep trusting in the downs. To be patient and wait for God’s plan to unfold. To let go of “this is what I want” and grab hold of “He knows what He is doing”. To draw closer to him when the feelings of distress hit instead of hitting that glass prayer ceiling.
When I read about the Israelites in the bible, I wonder how could they be so forgetful, and pardon me, dumb? I mean God showed them a million times he was with them and they continually turned away from him. They trusted in themselves, they ran ahead of him, they complained, they worshiped other gods. They honestly don’t paint a rosy picture in my mind. But when I really think about it, I realize I am no better than them. I may not have the supernatural miracles right in front of my face, but I have the bible. I have the entire story penned by man, inspired by God. I have the beginning and the end. I know Jesus wins. I can see countless different stories of how God works in our lives, and yet I somehow think I need some great sign. I get impatient. I worry about all sorts of things. I work myself up and try and run ahead of God. Try to tell him that his plan for me just isn’t working. That he is being too slow. I become annoyed when I don’t feel him right there for me. I wonder where he went.
When I stop and compare myself with the Israelites, I realize that it’s me that’s causing the problems. It’s me that’s stepping away from his care to fill my mind with worries. It’s me that’s so busy trying to plan my own way that I miss his whispers to be still. It’s me that creates the glass ceiling because my mind is too cluttered to have a heart to heart prayer. It’s me that can’t seem to understand that God has something way better planned for me that anything I could plan myself. It’s me that can’t seem to be patient. And most of all it’s me that needs to let go, to surrender, to trust, to be forgiven.
When I can’t see what God has for me, I need to trust there is something great going on. He has given me this day, I can use it for good or I can use it for evil. The choice is mine. I get to choose to stress myself out, or be still before him. That choice is not as easy as it sounds. The devil knows I am type A. He uses it for evil, but I can use it for good. I can move through this day knowing that God never leaves me, I am the one who runs away. I am the one who places things above my relationship with him. It is really hard to type that. It is hard to admit that I do. I don’t want to and I don’t do it on purpose, but I do. The busyness of life, the to do lists, the daily routines, it all can crowd out what is really important. To make me think I am too busy to sit down and just be still before God. No, God has never left me or forgotten about me, only I chose to think that. It’s my choice everyday to fight against the god’s of worry and a busy life and to instead turn to the real God and place every ounce of trust in him. To know I may never understand exactly why he does what he does, but to know that it is good. It’s always good. But in the end it’s my choice to believe the truth, or believe a lie.