So you are about to have a baby. You are a couple days away from your due date. You didn’t think you could feel so excited, but yet so nervous all at the same time. Maybe it’s your first baby. Labor scares you, but everyone tells you the magical moment when they lay your baby on your chest all but makes up for the labor part.
That is until that magical moment doesn’t come. That sweet baby is laid on your chest and you pretend to be excited. You are exhausted and you want nothing more than something to eat and a place to rest. There are no fireworks or excitement in your heart. You feel like a failure as a mom already, because, well what kind of mother doesn’t get that magical feeling?
Me, I was that mom. I was that mom for 3 months. I loved my baby because she was mine, but I didn’t really like her. I wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into. I wanted to strangle all the perfectly put together mom’s on social media who snuggled their babies all day long. Mine cried all day long. The last thing I wanted to do was snuggle her, I just cried with her. I constantly beat myself up over the feelings I was having. I literally felt like I couldn’t handle this mom thing.
Maybe you are there today my friend, or maybe you have been there. Wherever you are, you are not a bad mom for feeling like that. Don’t pull yourself down even more with the self condemnation. Post-partum depression is a very real thing. I know, I had it. I can sympathize with it. Lack of sleep coupled with raging hormones can do crazy things to a woman.
I know how that black hole feels. The hopeless feeling as you cry right along with your baby. The questions that run through your mind. Why would God see me fit to have this baby? Why can’t I have my old life back? Why isn’t God listening to my prayers and helping me through this? I am a failure as a mom.
Mama, if you are there, please know you are an amazing mom. Despite your feelings you still get up and feed your baby. You still change the diapers. You still make laps around the house bouncing that baby up and down to comfort her so she won’t cry. You do it all despite the tears, the melt downs, and the questions. You are taking care of your little baby and that is enough for now. Don’t try to be super woman and do it all. Give yourself permission to do nothing but take care of that tiny baby. Because this fog, it will lift. There will come a day when you can’t get enough of that little baby. When they warm your heart so much you can’t imagine ever not liking them. There will come a day when you look back on that moment at the hospital and realize you were no less of a mom because you didn’t have that “feeling”. You were fighting against something not every mom experiences.
Take care of yourself mom. Stop believing the lie that you are a bad mom. Keep holding on, and know it will get better one day. I feel you, and I know you are doing the best you can. Stop telling yourself your not.